Yes Obese.

Our work place is starting a new health initiative and I qualify as obese according to the chart. Also my bmi calculates to 24.4 or so...somedays even higher.

Yes. I am obese. Doesn't surprise me though. Surprised my co-workers. But you know...people like me that carry all their weight in their stomach area are at a higher risk for things like diabetes.

I only have one chin these days. Which I must admit is a blessing. However I could do with a whole lot less. I was thinking last night about what would make me happy. Where does it end? And the scary and very sad truth is...I would prefer to just be skin stretched over bone. But even then I am sure the bones would appear too large. Maybe I can settle for something else. I know I would be happier if were able to lift weights and build some muscles.

The therapist said that I would have to learn how to cope with things all over again if I am going to ever get over my eating disorder. Learn to cope all over again? Didn't she mean learn to cope at all? I don't think I have a clue as to handling the world without seeing it in terms of food or no food. It's just like an alcoholic and alcohol...they don't know how to deal with the world without it.

If I get really upset about anything and I have pain in my heart, I purge. If I feel really guilty or defiant or angry I eat. If I'm depressed or feel unloved, unwanted, left out, or whatever...I starve. Sure it won't make sense to those of you that don't use food like that...but it's how I deal.

My mother used to give me copious amounts of food to make up for being too drunk to give me attention. She would buy me special fattening treats if I was good. But so often I was left all alone. No one there at all. So I was stuck with stuff like poptarts or nothing at all. I was too little to cook. Maybe 6 or 7. So it is obvious sometimes how it all works together. I just saved myself thousands of dollars of psycological care...now if only I knew how to fix it.

How do you teach someone to "cope?" What does it mean to "cope?" My dad never seemed to be effected by anything at all...so there wasn't any lesson there. My mom coped by drinking and not eating food. No lesson there either. My sister copes by shoving food into her mouth as fast as she can. Poor girl is 300lbs right now, at only 5'5. She doesn't know the answer either. If she did, she could stop it.

Does anyone really have the answer? Are we all just cursed to live like this? And is it really a curse? Maybe this is just the way things are? Maybe I should learn to accept that I have different attitued tword food than most people? We all have our vices....right?

pb

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