<< So I came "out" to the therapist today... >>
2004-04-06, 11:53 a.m.

1st of the day

Wow...I often forget that the rest of the world is nothing like me. I often forget that I am everything that everyone else isn't.

I had therapy this morning and my therapist is really nice and swell and everything. She is probably as good as I'll get right now. However, it would be really swell if I could find one that was more friendly and understanding of my needs. In fact, I am probably the first bisexual, eating disordered, poly-ish, witch that she has ever encountered. Grr.

Well I had to come "out" to the therapist today. and heck, I have been seeing her since dec/jan! It's hard enough seeing a therapist, but then you have to come out to them too. It went "ok". I think that she thinks that I Have commitment issues. I attempted to explain to her that it isn't so much that I want multiple lovers or something...as really I don't like the boundaries that exist between people. Sure I understand that boundaries are in place for reasons...like at work...I keep that "WORK" boundary. However, I don't like to have boundaries with my friends. I think that we should just be whatever we are comfortable with being. For example...you "normal" people have some friends that you are comfortable talking to at work...but maybe you would not be comfortable having them over to dinner. And you have friends that you would have over to dinner, but you wouldn't bail out of jail. Right?? Well, I feel comfortable with expanding some friendships...maybe not all. Some friendships are comfortable with kisses and hand holding, but not sex. Some friendships are comfortable with great conversation over coffee, bug bear hugs, and lots of joking, but not kissing. But the point is, I don't see why you should not be able to do what feels comfortable and right.

I tried to explain to her how I feel about things like that. I can't be the only one...I just can't! I'm a loving person, and I enjoy people so much...then I end up feeling guilty becuase I am in a "monogamus" relationship. When did humans come up with the idea that being close to other people is wrong?

For example...with my other brian (the one in kuwait right now), we were friends. Just friends...our relationship went only into realms that were comfortable and felt good. However, to others, we went to realms that were not "just friends." We held hands often, hugged all the darn time, cuddled on the couch, snuggled up together in bed often. We didn't have sex...and the only time we ever kissed was part of a kissing game. We were comfortable that way. However, those kinds of things are not acceptable to mono couples.

So we got that all out of the way....

I told her that b was making more efforts to be more loving and sexual. I told her that although the frequency has not gone up, the effort has. (in fact...I haven't gotten laid since late march...ick!)

However, it doesn't change the fact that I still like women. Too many women...so little time! heheh. just kidding. You see...I get a little freakish about it when I have to go too long without women in my life. It sucks...I have never gone this LONG!

She asked me this..."So what is it that you can get from a relationship with women, that you are not getting from a relationship with men?" HA!! that's a good question! I attempted to explain to her that they are completely different animals. I attempted to explain to her that I LIKE commitment to 1 person. I attempted to explain to her that I don't want to have sex willynilly with all kinds of women (or men for that matter!) I attempted to explain to her that physical relationships with some women are merely an extension of my friendship with them...same for men too.

After all these attempts...I left the office just as confused...and a wee bit more lonely.

I wish I could fit into the mold....but I know I cannot.

-pb

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