So here we are in another day.

I watched Conan this weekend, that was some funkiefied fun.

Other than that I spoke at length to claire this wknd about what I should be doing with my life. She thinks I should be a socialworker/tatoo artist. I agree. heheh. Kind of like john wanting to be a lawyer/mechanic. Free oilchange w/ divorce!!

Heck I don't know where my life is going, or what I am supposed to be doing. I don't know which way is up! but one thing I do know, is that I don't mind change. As much as I love my security, I find change refreshing and invigorating. In fact...I can't live without it.

After talking to jeff last night I had a realization. I don't think that I am cut out for normal male/female relationships. I have yet to have one work out without leaving me feeling incomplete. Does this mean that I don't want to have a man in my life forever? That I don't want picket fences? That I don't want a family? I do want all those things! I want to spend the rest of my life madly in love with a man, I want a family, I want all the traditional things...but there is just something more I need. I need to be able to have women in my life as well. I have ended up bitter with men in general when I am unable to have my choice. In fact, when I left my ex husband, I wanted nothing to do with men AT ALL! I don't want that to happen again.

I find it rather interesting that when I am given the opportunity of having a relationship with a woman, while still being with a man, I notice that I give the man even more attention and more affection becuase I am happy and content.

But you know what.....I spoke to Brian about this during the weekend. He knows about my sexuality, and has always known from day 1. He knows that I have been in poly relationships before. However, for him, he told me that I must choose him or not choose him. That there isn't any inbetween.

What a pickle i'm in huh??

pb

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