<< Think positive >>
2004-03-01, 3:56 p.m.

3rd entry today

Ah, slow day...

I am sitting here at my desk...thinking about my birthday being 5 days away. I plan on going to Polyesthers w/ claire. Meanwhile I am mourning the fact that all of the darling little outfits that I would LOVE to wear won't fit. *sigh* I have no one to blame but myself though. Really, it's true. I have been trying to be more comfortable in my own skin, but it is difficult to do when I am not comfortable in my clothes.

I have weighing in at a overwhelming 147. If it reaches 150 I know I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I really will.

I have been so/so w/ the binges. Somewhat better, but still happening. The worst happen when I am half asleep in the middle of the night, I don't know wtf that's all about. How can I be friggin stressed, upset, depressed when I am 1/2 asleep?

I am staying active though and trying to eat regularly to avoid binging...but you know how tough that can be. It won't last forever though, just as quickly as it came...it will melt into something else. What will it be next?

I was talking to claire about it last week., which is really difficult to do. I maybe be able to be honest and personal here, but telling a person that KNOWS me is a whole other story. She does not understand how I can not stop. How I can want to love myself, but can't let go of my eating disorder. I tried to explain it to her...You want to do the right thing, you know what the right thing is. But to let go and accept is the scariest thing on earth for me. I cannot comprehend it. Hell, I know I am not getting anywhere right now. I know I am still 17lbs over normal, and 30lbs over my goal weight. But If I let go...where will I be then? Will I balloon?

30lbs to my goal weight, you know, that doesn't seem like all that much. Hm. Not far at all infact. I have lost about 3 times that before...not big deal. I think I need some positive thinking. That's what I am missing...positive thinking.

-PositivlyPerfectbone

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