<< Perfection is always a pound away >>
2003-09-19, 12:54 p.m.

I have really been enjoying my new place and the new job.
When I get sick again....It's like a valley. There is the plane....then the slope downhill, the bottom, then the uphill, then the plane. That is the story of my life
Seems I always do better for a while...then get sick again. Well I am getting sick again. I find myself tourturing myself, thinking the worst thoughts, denying myself, and more. It's an endless cycle. I figure it will go on for life...I have kind of resigned myself to it.
I have started to use the diet pills again. Not that they do anything...but they have helped me to reduce my lunch down to next to nothing. I eat breakfast still...I cut out the before noon snacks...cut lunch down to a couple of carrots, or a grapefruit & few pretzles, or maybe a veggi cheese sandwich (if Im lucky). Note the "or" between those. All together that migh tbe a lunch to someone...but I don't get it anymore. I eat a carrot on the way home to keep me from binging once I get there, before brian comes home. Then I eat some dinner. Last night was a bit of pasta (herbs and a couple drops of olive oil), and I sauted some greens and squash (no fat added). I have been keeping it between 500-900 cals per day.
Why? Why all this all over again? I feel awful about myself. I have gained some weight...I looked better at 130. My clothes don't fit the way they should. Nothing is right. I have nothing else. Nothing.
I strive for perfection in everything. But yet I hate when anyone says something about how great I am. I just can't take it. I hate when people comment about how attractive, smart, funny or whatever I am. I hate it. Well I like it when brian says it, but if anyone else says it...I fell like they are just saying it becuase they know I am that fat girl in the corner. They feel sorry for me.
I dont know if there is a coorelation, (or do I?) but my depression is WAY up. I am taking my medication too!! I think I might need to go see the doctor. I want to sleep all the time. I cry more. I get sad a lot. I mope. I get destructive. And my picking is way out of control. My legs look awful. Anyhow, Gonna get back to work now.

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