<< empty bowls....white bowl of redemption... >>
2003-07-16, 10:28 a.m.

There is a diary that I read...a girl that is down to 79 right now. her life is a mess...filled with pain, health problems, puking, and misery...but she cannot stop. In my heart I cry.

My battle is still there...I am currently in a state of semi-wellness. I figure there are two types of people aflicted w/ ed.

1-The people that have 1 or more eds, sink quickly to the bottom, then often die or live with it constantly on them for life.

2-the people that have 1 or more eds, and they seem to "recover" from time to time, but always go back. Sometimes worse than ever.

I am number 2. Maybe I am pessimistic, but I no longer really believe in recovery. We can get better for a while...but the demon will always lurk around the corner. I have been on and off for so long....

age 11, restrict then binge...come to think of it...i first tried puking back then...forgot about that....

Then age 12 was better for about 6 months...then 13 & 14 were huge restrictions on what was allowed and I refused to eat during the weekends or during lunch.

15-18 I worked out a whole lot...but mostly I was consumed with someone elses problems...so I ignored my own.

18-20.5 I became a horrible coe. Balloned to 210+ lbs. I stopped getting on teh scale after that. at 20.5 I left my husband...stopped eating so much. at 21 I went into great depression and starved and puked for about 8 months till I had gone from 210 to 129. At that point I got a little bit of help and "recovered" for about 8 months. Then my life went spiraling out of control and I was depressed again and starved...only by then my metabolism was so f*cked up that I had to live on next to nothing and work out 2 hours a day to maintain. I also got on medication for depression and my messed up thyroid and I got a little better.

For the past few months I have teetered. I have been trying to focus more on my health. I have had many scares in the past few months and I have been working harder. But you can't break the thinking.

Right now I am on a diet. Southbeach diet. Its low glycemic. Well last night i wanted cookies. I ate a whole box of low glycemic cookies. Whole fukcing box. Methodicaly taking two cookies at a time, shoving them in my mouth...If I coudl have just opened my stomach up and poured them in I would have...by passing my mouth. After all...I didn't give a rats ass about the taste...they were ok...I guess I was shoving them so fast I don't know. I at the box. 6 servings.

I went home and had some tofu and sauce, a normal portion. Then some faux egg, tofu salad. Then a diet rootbeer.

I don't know. I felt like crap. I was so full an bloated. When I got home after eating just the cookies (I ate them in the car)...if my roomate wasn't home I would have deposited those cookies into the big white bowl of redemption. But she was home. So they sat inside me.

I felt bad all evening. So guilty for my sins.

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