Today I am going to go to my new DO (like an MD only cooler) to get my meds fixed up. i feel like I forgot my effexor, but I know I didn't. My head hurts at the base...like it does before I get a migrane. I hope i don't get one toay.

Its raining....it has been cloudy....but now its raining. I didn't anticipate that.

So I go see a psycologist tommorow. I read the journal of Just-fine. She weighs in at 72 lonely pounds. She lives in the uk, just started college this year. She just started inpatient treatment. Sometimes when I read her journal I feel less alone. There are so many damned emotions that go along with food. For example, right now I feel: Ashamed. I have eaten a whole lot today and it is really shameful. I am always embarrased that someone will know. at 4am I had a slice of bread. (sometimes when I can't sleep, if I put something starchy in my tummy I just knock out). Then I had cherios for breakfast at 6. Then went back to bed. Woke up again at 9 and had a hasty half p-nut butter sandwich and a slice of veggie cheese, & a red bull. As if that wasn't bad enough I jsut ate lunch. I got a pack of veg nuggets. ate 12 of them. 12....like a machine. Squirt chipotle mustard on each one...then put it in my mouth. 2 bites for each. I forced myself to throw the last 3 away. I wrapped the package up in a baggie so that no one would see it.

Sometimes I feel scared about food. I anticipate social events with fear. Next week I am supposed to have lunch with two co-workers. I know where we are going...I have been there before. I have already planned what I will eat. I dread tuesdays dinner nights with the fam. THey always worry that they haven't given me enough food. Since I don't eat meat, they love to load me up on salad or something. I hate the way they always check out whats on my plate.

If I have a migrane...I could get out of dinner and almost be ok for the day...almost. Still too much food.

So anyhow I go see a psycologist on thurs. The way the program works is I get 3 sessions per problem. All that ails me totals about 7-8 months of treatment for free. But I can't face the eating thing yet...just not yet. I think i will face the dermatillomania first. Last night my leg was bleeding.

I picked up my paintbrush for the first time in a long time. I have had an image in my head for days...I just had to get it out. So I went and bought some glass. I might finish it today. Depends on if I get a migrane.

I couldn't sleep well last night becuase I got another idea in my head and it wouldn't go away. Damn it. I hate when that happens. But its a really good idea though. Can't wait.

ANyhow. My pants feel too tight since those nuggets. I miss having private bathrooms at work. No way would I surrender in those stalls. Grr.

Thinking of going home early.

-PB

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