1st entry today

icky uky booh booh.

Today is a crummy one. I woke up all kinds of in a funk. bad bad bad. I'm tired, I hurt and I am f*cking depressed! WHy? grr. Dunno.

Last night when b got home i asked if he wanted to cuddle a bit before sleeping, and I promised I would't ask for sex. Surprisingly he said yes. Well we were laying there in bed and we were talking. We had "a talk." Apparently brandon and claire think we have the shittiest relationship. So we were talking about it. He told me that his only concern is my happiness. He told me that he doesn't think that I believe he is marriage material. We were talkign about all the stuff and trying to be honest as possible. He said he gets tired of picking up after me. I always ask him not to. It's just that he is on a different mental schedule than I am. I tend to fall about 1 hour behind him when it comes to being tidy. He said he is sure about wanting to marry me, and I told him that I feel like he is just staying with me becuase he needs security. He asked me how I really feel about him and I was a bit noncomittal. I told him that I do have a lot of love for him. (I do...despite all the shit...I can't help that.) But he was talking about his frustration about not knowing if he and I were going to get married or not becuase I hadn't made up my mind about it. Becuase I havent' "decided" if a straight monogamus relationship is what I want. (in truth...I don't think I could do it if I tried...even if my love for him was overwhelming enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him...even then...I don't think I could do it.)

The failing of any relationship is always difficult. Esp when it unravels slowly. Sometimes an explosive end with a firm and deciding blow is easier. However....this one is a slow slow death. He even said he felt the tear in our relationship when I asked to postphone the wedding. He said since then he felt like I have been ripped from him.

I told him that I need more affection, and more attention. The biggest bone of contention every day is that gets frustrated about having to do so much at home, and I get frustrated becuase I don't get enough love. I'm needy, he's not.

It's a slow painful death...and no matter how sarcastic I may get, no matter how much I remove myself from the relationship...it still hurts. This man is a friend of mine.

I warned jeff a while back that I would be in kind of a crummy place when he got me. That although I would be so incredibly happy to be with him, I would probably still be suffering from some heartbreak over this loss. I'm glad I did warn him, becuase I know myself. The same thing happend with dan. even though I knew divorcing him was the best thing for me...I still spent many nights wrapped in jims arms crying over him. Fortunatly jim was a kind and patient man. He would sit those hours awake with me...drying my tears, letting me talk, and reminding me that I am better than he is. Reminding me why I left that man, and why I am, in fact, going to be just fine with out him.

I think jeff cares enough bout me to be patient as well. Actually, I know he does.

I guess that's the pain of loving so much...having a heart so big that I love so much of the world. I love so deeply and so often that it torments me.

I sometimes think the worst thoughts about myself. I often think that I am completely uncaring. I sometimes figure that even if I have ever, or will ever make the possible mistake of leaving someone that I shouldn't have, that it really won't matter in the long run becuase I will love someone else. Up till now that has really be the truth. It hasn't mattered so much, becuase I have been able to be happy with different people...but only for a while. Then I get mad at myself becuase I think I am fickle and a bad person. The truth is...I only see the best in people...and therefore I tend to feel let down when I admit to myself that I have (once again!) settled.

So what makes me think I'm not doing it again w/ Jeff? In this case I am pretty certain I am not settling. first of all, he meets all of my requirements in so many ways and goes beyond them. Secondly, I have yet to put him on a pedistal that he can fall from (bad bad idea...those damn pedistals are dangerous!!) and also I KNOW his faults. I know them and I understand them, and I am prepared for them. For example, addiction runs in his family...he enjoys the pleasure of addictive substances. However these two things do not have to create any kind of "problem." He tries to keep himself in check. That's all one can hope for really. (I have the same risks...only I think I have less willpower than he does!) He is bipolar and has panic attacks as well. But all these things are just physical and nothing I haven't had myself. But as far as real faults go...all his faults are the same as my faults. Tendency to be stubborn, maybe too trusting, too giving. I think both of us have a certain flighty nature to our personalities.

He is very much like a male version of me....and I know me pretty well. I don't have to settle anymore. I know that jeff will give me everything i need, and he will be willing to take everything I have to give. I don't have some sort of expectation that things will be peachy all the time...as even the best relationships have tough points...that's often what bonds people closer together. However, within Jeff...I think I shall finaly find some peace and happyness.

-pb

Ps....I'm feeling better after expressing all that...I feel a lot less down. Whooo hooo!

Also....A big happy birthday to JEFF!!!

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