3rd entry today

OooOOw. My back hurts. OOoOw. It's my lower back. I always get a really bad back ache before I start my period...I know, I know...tmi. But gawd it hurts my back! Sometimes I can barely walk. On more than one occasion I have had to spend a day w/ a heating pad on my back spaced out on vicoden. Note to self: trade claire a butalbital for a vicoden. Butalbital...great for my head...ok on my neck when mixed w/ flexeril (or was it fioricet???) but vicoden is so much nicer for my lower back pains. OooOw. :-(

I don't get bitchy or sensitive....I just get painfuly pathetic. I'm a big baby.

You know, it was so cute! I found out that my neice has a freckle on her palm just like me! I have one on my right hand, just above my life line & I have had it since I was a baby. THen when I was 7 I got one on my ring finger. They are fading as I get older. But she has one in the same place too. Kick ass!

I have been starving today! I am just so hungry. I want to eat everything...well everything except for cookies. I binged on those the other day and I wrinkle my nose at the thought of cookies. I've been Eating what seems like a massive amount of food.

-2 english muffins, w/ a smidge of jam (breakfast)

-1 1/2 carrots

-1 apple

-2 rice cakes

-10 pretzle nuggets

-1/2 a bag of regular mini pretzles

and of course tons of water, and some coffee, and a few diet RCs. Oh and a bite of candycane.

To some of you it may seem like my lunch was just bites of rabbit food or something, but often I might eat just a carrot or two. Or just my ricecake. Usualy 100 calories or less. But for some reason I'm not worried about it today. Not worried about my weight at all today. Must be becuase I am feeling so manic right now. When I feel like this...I am the most incredible person in the world...and the BEST at everything.

Being this way is strange sometimes...but my friend Jeff and I were talking about how we feel a whole range of things that "normal" people don't feel. We feel so high during a manic phase that it is often like being on the best drugs in the world. But when we are low.....no one has ever been that low. Isn't it crazy? I don't know how people have ever lived with me. I guess it is becuase I don't always tell them what's going on.

Last night brian was telling me that he was so happy that I wasn't having those horrible visions anymore. Especialy the one of stabbing myself. I told him that it hasn't gone away, I just don't talk about it. He was visibly upset. But what else should I do about it? I'm not going to actually stab myself! I hate having the visions...I do not ask to see such horrid violent things, but I do.

Ah well...on with things. The Sanitarium was deleted :-( There is a temp board though. I don't know the story but someone might have reported us. I don't know why....I mean, it isn't all that easy to get in and see the sanitarium boards. You actually have to contact a human being. Anyhow, it blows, but that's ok...we will all be back together soon.

I really don't know why people have such a problem with a board like that. We come together for support becuase we understand each other. We make each other feel better, not worse. We often talk bluntly and matter-of-factly, but we never encourage bad behavior. Well never beyond photos...and you don't have to go to that section. In fact we have a recovery section, and if you are in recovery, you don't see the triggers.

Ah well. Horrible things exist all over the net, and people are worried about a bunch of women that either eat too much, eat to little, or spend a lot fo time in the bathroom.

Ah well enough of THAT soapbox for now. I'm cutting out of work early. No boss today, so I may as well. Besides...I have done nothing at all today aside from play on the internet. Oh I did respond to a few emails....oh and I reserved a car for my boss. Whoopitydoo!

Have a lovely weekend,

pb

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