<< too sappy for words >>
2003-05-20, 10:59 a.m.

I feel so sorry for my friend johnny. Poor guy. Him and sara broke up...we went to the coast, to the city where she lives...poor guy. I wish I could make him feel better. I can't imagine. Or can I. I have seen that pained look in the eyes of every man i have ever dumped.

Jeremy...the summer before my freshman year...i wanted to date corey instead. I don't have a clue as to what I said to jeremy....but I remember his stricken look. it went smoothly w/ corey becuase he was not paying enough attention to me....mikhail...it was done by phone....we stayed friends. james....i think it was mutual. ben...i just stoped answering the phone. mark....he just went home. dan....now dan I married. I blocked out a lot of the diffiult parts from our seperation. I only remember sitting on the blue beanbag chair...him on the couch. he was in agony. I hated seeing him in pain. And worst of all...the worst. Jim. poor jim. he cried so much....every ounce of him hurt...he couldn't even be near me. he was to be married in just two weeks. brian and I had decided that we wanted a relation ship...and after all...I was dating jim and (now) wife without any kind of commitment. I knew he was fallign in love with me....gawd how i knew it. I never told her. i didn't even want to admit it to myself. He would often gaze into my eyes...tell me how much he adored me. Every time I would bring up the possibility that one day I would want to find someone just for me...he would say that I should wait...not be hasty...there was after all, plenty of time for that.

W/ Jim and S, they were great friends of mine...but it was only supposed to be sex. He once told me that he felt that although S was his spiritual mate, and his life mate, that I was physical and emotional mate. i think that if he could have kept me forever, he would have. He was beautiful. Every part of his body was perfectly formed. He was so funny, and he is quite an actor...infact you might have seen him in a movie or two...or maybe some ads. But at the time, he really wasn't going anywhere. He was getting married and I wanted someone of my own. I also couldn't handle so much drugs and alcohol. To be honest, I think part of me will always miss him, I do think that is why I can't bear to see him now. Esp if he is w/ anyone other than S. I just didn't want to spend the rest of my time being the 3rd one. As the third you are the perfect girlfriend and that is how I was. You don't yell...fight...nag...or fuss. And you are always up for sex. that we had a lot of. he was short tho. 5'5 like me. I loved being able to walk up behind him and start kissing his neck and ear...wrap myself around him. he never minded the distraction. I do wonder how I really felt about him. i do think that I loved him. it just wasn't our lifetime this time.

Yeah, so I was in a polyamorus relationship w/ a man and a woman...does that shock you? i was 20, he was 26, she was 32. It really isn't that difficult to fit three people into a bed. but it isn't for everyone. now, I am happy in a regular monogamus relationship. Very happy & very much in love. Not a problem :) so I broke up with jim just before his wedding....i still went...i was the baker of their cake...5 tiers...3 layers each...filled with plum jam...covered in rolled fondant...decorated with spirals. I was also the caller of east in their wedding (a pagan wedding).

*sigh*So poor johnny. saras long gone. Hope it is better for him than jim.

Eh well...I have been sappy enough for one day. Somebody just needs to thwack me over the head and tll me to shut my pie hole when I ramble on like that! i lost 7 lbs from this time yesterday till today. Go figure. How the hell does this happen.

Had a ct scan today. I'll let ya know how it went.

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