So I have come to a conclusion....well possibly a conclusion. I already know that I am a manic depressive...thats been evident since I was a kid. But what about ocd? yeah...never thought myself the type but did you realize that most eating disorders are OC in their very nature? They are! Also the skin pickign thing. thats a real problem. Well its only a real problem since I know it now. before when i didn't think about it I didn't care.

I was talking to claire last night and we really talked about how we have changed a certain style of "hurting" per se. Both of us were previously "slice and dice" girls (as I term them). Since I stopped I began picking...she suggested that maybe I chose more "socialy acceptable" form of mutillation. Also we both started smoking...as a way to slowly hurt ourselves. I am not currently smoking...but when I am bad bad off I smoked for years and years. Now and then I have a puff...but honestly it tastes like crapola.

Anyhow...been really obsessive about my eating habbits...probably becuse I am in the middle of moving and I am stressed. Whenever I worry about anything I start freaking.

Also I have a word to say about anti-depressants. You see...I didn't go on them till about a year ago...dealt with my terror on my own. Well anyway EFFEXOR is a bitch, in a way. EFFEXOR and I have a love hate relationship. It keeps me from killing myself or anyone else for that matter...however It will not let me out of its grip. I have awful twitches. I twitch all the time. Esp when I am relaxed. Sometimes I jolt so much I wake up myself and my boyfriend...my legs..my arms...any part. All of me twitches. Pathetic. Also if i forget a dose....gawd aful. Headache...fog...spacyness...I claw at my head as if I can dig something out of my brain to make it stop. it is HORRID. So if you are contemplating medicinal therapy....chose effexor only if you are a lifer like me. In other words...you will be stuck.

Ah well

Everything is going ok in the move right now. I should be staying in my new house on friday night. I also start my new job on tuesday! whooo hooo!

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