3rd entry

I feel 2 million times better now. I went for a little walk outside and it took all the icky out of me!

Some guy fell off his ladder looking at me. We have these workers painting our building. I was walking around outside and the guy was climbing up his ladder, he was about on the third rung and I looked up and saw him, then smiled. He missed his footing. He was fine, just embarrased. I guess I will take his mishap as a compliment.

Sorry for such a shitty entry earlier. You know how it is when the ick gets to you.

My ultra cool Diaryland bud Sarahsundae was talking about the way people treat her different since she lost weight. Hell they sure do! I will be 100% honest with you...Thin people are treated better than fat ones. I don't like it, I don't adovocate it, but it is true. People in stores are kinder, they smile at you, and most of all... they look you in the eye! Although I swear to myself every day that I am fat and hideous, and a disgusting mess...it am not nearly the mess I once was.

It is a whole other world...and I never feel like I belong; I'm not sure I ever will. They say the camera adds 10lbs, hell the mirror adds atleast 60lbs!!!

Oh here's another thing...look at these perspectives. Thin girl buys a bottle of water and a Luna bar at the gas station...onlooker perspective = Gee...isn't she being healthy. I should do that too! Fat girl buys a bottle of water and a Luna Bar. Onlooker perspective = Poor girl...trying to lose the weight huh?

Thin girl buys a regular soda, a bag of chips and a Mars bar. Onlooker perspective = Gee...guess she can eat anything and keep her figure. Fat girl buys the same thing. Onlooker perspective = Damn girl...put down the candy and step away!!!

Our society is fatphobic. Our chairs are designed for small people....sometimes they barely accomodate men!! Our amusement parks can't fit fat under the safety bars. The airline asks you to buy two tickets, not one because THEIR seats are too small.

The media want's us to believe that we should be so ashamed if we don't have 6 pack abs. We should be ashamed of our winter weight gain. We should be ashamed if we don't lose the baby weight. Thin people are confident! Thin people have fun! Thin people fall in love! At least that's what the ads say.

News Flash baby....ask any of the thin little girls on my buddy list, I'm sure they will agree. THose tiny jeans they bought off the rack at the Gap...they didn't come with self confidence.

I can change the outside a million times over but I'm still the same person inside this shell. I spend so much time hell bent on self distruction...if only I could manage to redirect that energy into building self confidence.

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