I am so tired this morning. I just can't seem to get with the program.

We went to Starcrooks this morn for coffee. I love a good grande soy cap...and sadly my new fav coffee place, Jazzy Beans closed. They closed so suddenly. They might have only been oopen like 2 months. Then, unexplainably gone. What's up w/ that? They were the only place in town that had tofu ice cream. the ONLY place. & their regular coffee was only a buck. Damn it to shreds!

Yeah, can't get w/ the program. *munches another chocolate caffine mint* You know I suck those things till my mouth hurts. 5 cals per mint. 3= a soda.

Sometimes when I first get up...my body messes w/ me. It seems to know that my brain is not awake enough to make rational (or irrational decisions, depending on how you view it) decisions. So I had my usual cereal in water w/ a packet of stevia on it. Then strangly, despite running late I was back into the kitchen putting bread into the toaster and pulling out the low fat margerine. Then sprinkling on the cinnimon and sugar. Before I knew it I was back in there repeating the whole process again for a total of 4 pieces of cinnimon sugar toast and 1 bowl of cheerios. That is more than any one should ever eat for breakfast. *sigh* The battles of the body and the mind. Never ends huh?

Brian grumped about me and lunch today. He asked if I ate my grapefruit yesterday. I don't like to lie to him so I said no I put it back into the fruit bowl. Then he asked if I ate my pretzles or carrots. I told him that I cat a carrot, but that I put everything else away when I got home. He tried to argue w/ me about being able to live on a carrot during the day and I told him that it wasn't difficult at all. He started asking...well what gives you energy during the day....ephedrine? I said yeah...so? He just shook his head and continued to pack my lunch.

The truth is...with the epehdrine I don't really want to eat lunch at all...and I am not that hungry for dinner either. Like last night I had some rice noodles and veggie meatballs. I felt full half way through...but I finished it all becuase it was a small portion to begin with and he was watching me.

Last night I noticed that Princess (my ferret) is looking like she might have adrenal disease. *sigh* Poor dear. I am going to have to start contemplating surgery. She hasn't had much hair on her tail for a while but I figured it was the tail blackheads, then I figured it was the stress of losing her brother, then 2 months later I went on vacation...so i thought she was just upset. But now I am noticing her once thick coat looking kind of thin in the hind area. Poor girl. She is 5 1/2 right now. I guess I have to weigh the pros and cons of surgery. On the Jura front, her eye is looking much much better, her ringworm is looking a tiny bit better...don't know about the parasites...and she is still puking. Poor kitty. She is puking almost once a day. I think she might be eating too fast...or maybe it's hair balls? Dunno. She goes to the doc on saturday anyhow...we'll ask about it then. Zen, knock on wood, is healthy as can be.

Grampie is in a nursing home right now, which is working out ok...but he has only been there like 2 weeks now. Mom called this morning to tell me that he has gangreen on his foot. He only has 1 foot. His right is cut up to mid-thigh. They are hoping it is dry gangreen and that his toes will just shrivle up and fall off. If it isn't they would have to amputate up to the knee even which will be fatal to him, becuase he cannot handle being put under for another surgery. However they are still going to fix his eye next month, since that is done under local anasthetic.

My sister started a new job this week as a receptionist at a day care. I think she is liking it. I think she will start school again in the spring. She had to quit this semester when she got pnumonia. She missed too much school.

Momma hoberg and katie want to make a day trip to mexico before xmas. Mom is really keen on the idea....but I will be amazed if we can get katie there. Her anxiet is so bad that we can barely go out to dinner w/ out a panic attack. How on earth is she going to walk across that long ass bridge and over into another friggin country? Acuna is a bustling border city...full of macho guys making cat calls at the young american girls...pushy shop keeps...and scaming street artists. I hate to make the 3 hour trip to del rio only to have to turn around again empty handed. At least w/ momma hoberg driving, I won't have to pay for the gas...and their truck is rather comfy.

Brian left me a note in my lunch box this morning. It seems taht he had a talk w/ adam last night about me being sick. Well brian and I talked about it last night becuase I didn't think he knew the full extent of what could be happening here. At this point I doubt everyone in my life. And I doubt that he can handle being w/ a person that is disable by illness. Oh sure he might "stay" w/ a person like that...but handling it is a different story. Honestly, if he can't deal w/ it then it will make my life miserable. And if I am sick and miserable, I would end up offing myself. Frankly it's true. No, don't get all up in arms, I am not threatening suicide. It is just that if I am stuck, spending every god damned day of my life in agony, can't even go out side, and I wasn't going to get any better, then to top it off have a guy that can't "deal" with my limitations...that would make me feel even worse. And I would rather be dead than feel quite that bad.

Anyhow on to sunnier subjects. I told claire that I would try my best to save some energy for her this evening. Not sure where I will come up with some energy to save...but I will make my best effort. Honestly I don't know what I would do w/o her. She is the most supportive person in my life right now. It's nice to have such a loyal friend. I guess it's the repayment of all those nights I sat w/ her on the phone as she bawled her eyes out...thinking that her marriage was coming to an end...and that life was falling apart. (it really wasn't, she is just another perfectionist w/ depression coming from a long long line of terribly bi-polar women)

Eh. Gonna go now. They are paying me money or something to do something or other here. Sometimes it amazes me. You wanna know what they pay me? A flat rate of just over 2k a month. Not bad for a gal w/o any thing beyong high school yet. The social workers around here only start at about 1 or 2 hundred more a month. Just about enough to cover their student loans. And what do I do? "Oh yes, that's a great idea! I'm on it!" or "Sure thing, I'll send you the attachment." also don't forget the famous "oh don't worry about it at all! I'll take care of everything." That and I shuffle around a lot of paper and file folders. And I listen to that freak over there cackle. Gawd I hate that cackle.

-PB

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