<< Walking on SUNSHINE >>
2004-01-28, 12:30 p.m.

It's such a BEAUTIFUL day!! I am so happy about it. I got to sleep in just a little bit. Till Zen woke me up. Zen, he is the prettiest, softest, sweetest, little homosexual little man kitty in the world. He loves me so much that he does not want me to be late for work, so if I don't get up and get ready, he wakes me up to make sure that I do. Oh that little boy. So I would have slept in just a bit...but Zen would have none of that.

I was supposed to have an appointment at 11 today, however, I got there and they said I missed it becuase it was at 8am. My calendar says 11. I wonder why I would get that wrong?

So I decided to go on home, and also to call my mom. So I told her everything, well almost everything, and she found me to be very inspiring.

I never thought of myself that way; inspiring.

My mother has put up with a cheating man for a long time. An old fart of a cheating man. (gee...go figure that I did too huh?) Well, she was so happy that i was willing to get up out of that situation, leave his ass, and even move to another city and go to school. She was a very shocked kind of thrilled. Of course she doesn't want to be far from me, but she was so happy that I wasn't going to marry an asshole.

I told her that you don't have to leave him to look for the right guy....you just need to leave him so that you aren't with the wrong one. It's true. Life is far too short for that. I remember when jeff asked me if I thought I was able to see my relationship clearly. hehehe. I said yes! Can you believe that!?!?!? I said yes! hahah. Well I didn't at all. Now I see it. I can see right through it, and I feel like dancing with the wind! I am so happy!

Brian has been really bad for me all along. Sure I had an eating disorder before him, I can't blame that on him, however, I never got so sick with anyone in my whole fucking life! After being with him I spent all my days puking, binging, starving, and exercising 2-3 times a day, 5-6 days a week. I wanted to be perfect for him...I wanted to be ther perfect girlfriend that could handle anything. So meanwhile while I thought I was handling everythng...I wasn't. Not even close. I lost like what...80-90lbs, my self esteem, and my self worth went right down the toilet too.

I know that I'm not going to be all better by leaving him. But I won't be with a man that makes me sick like that. I don't have to be perfect for anyone now. I just have to be me.

Are my problems solved? Nahh. Not quite. I have a lot of theory, but I don't have a lot of practice. ;-) For example...today I have had mac and chreese, several diet pills and a carrot. And although I haven't puked for (I think) almost 2 weeks now, it doesn't mean I won't.

But hell, One day at a time. DAMN I feel good! I may have to go home to that man tonight, but I won't have to go home to him forever!!!

(Oh but here is a bummer....gonna see our friend molly tonight. Molly, is quite quite psychic. I am not going to be able to hide certain things from her. Maybe she will know it is best to keep her mouth shut for now. I hope!)

-Perfectbone

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