<< wake me up >>
2003-08-20, 8:15 a.m.

I know I don't write as much as I used to. But thats ok....Im in an odd space right now. I have my weight "under control" at this time. WHich means I have gotten out of those 140s that I drifted into after the accident.

That accident changed my life. Though it wasn't a severe accident and only my neck and my car were hurt...my life changed. I spent so much time in pain or completley exhausted due to the brain damage. Forced to take lots of barbituates to dull the pain, muscle relaxers to stop the spasms. I couldn't run. I couldn't exercise at all. What little energy I had was used to wake me up in the morning for what ever part of the day I could work. THen home again to sleep. Somehow I had to get through ti.

Since then things have turned around in the strangest way. I am fairly well recovered from teh accident and I am able to exercise again. My physical therapist warned me to stay away from running. She knows how addictive it is and knows it is far to hard on my tender neck. So I try not to. :)

Anyhow the 140's were so scary... I remember the time I stepped on the scale and it said 142. I thought I was going to pass out. I had to sit down.

It has been hovering around 137 for the past bit and I am tryign to slowly lower it. It hasn't gone up though which is good. I want so much to be back down....

which brings us to the next thing on the plate...hehe. Labor day weekend I will be moving with with brian. Yes at long long long last we are going to be living together. I got a promotion and transfer to san antonio and I will be living there now. We got a really really big duplex and we have already started moving stuff. So what does that mean? Well it means that he will know when I eat dinner and when I don't. When I take lunch and when I don't. that sort of thing. I am still tryign this sort of "recoveryish" kind fo thing. but Hell I am always skeptical about the lasting effect of recovery. I really dont' think that it will stick. But I am trying.

Why try? Well i feel like such an imposter. Its an imposter complex I know...its not real but it is to me. I lost 85lbs due to an eating disorder. When you tell people that you lost 85 lbs they want to know how. How? Oh by starving and sticking my head down the can when ever I did eat. Yeah Like I would tell them the truth? What do I really say...Oh by eating better, and exercising. yeah right. I feel like If I can lose the next 10lbs properly...then somehow it will make up for the other 85. Yeah right.

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