1st of the day

Hey all...feeling super spiffy today! It's odd becuase it's raining and cloudy...and as you know...perfectbone is a solar powered kinda gal.

I think it's the ritalin. ;-)

Anyhow...I went to the therapist today and she got to know me a little better. She made me cry thought...well I made me cry. We started to talk about times in my life that I have fallen really hard and have had to rely on other people...a thing that I hate to do. Like when i was 17, had cancer, and was kicked out of the house. Or 2 years ago when my car broke down, I was on the brink of suicide, my health was shit, and I to top it off i was homeless! that sucked. But you know what...I think I have been through worse than that. But anyhow Is started bawling becuase I didn't like to think of those things and becuase I don't like to have to rely on others. i prefer to be independent. It is very very difficult for me to allow someone to take care of me. That takes a level of trust that is very difficult to give.

Mostly I am the one that assumes the role of caregiver. I fix everyone. But what about me?

She seemed to think it was sucha great thing that I am not binging as much anymore. sure I think it's swell too, but I tried to explain to her that this is something I have dealt with since..since...well at LEAST 14 years now. I cycle through all the disorders, making me a good old hearty ednos. I explained to her that although I have managed to avoid that behavior for now, that it doesn't mean it's over. The feelings about myself are still there and the pattern will continue.

Whenever things change for me, or get stressful, that's when things go awry.

Soon I will have to face my stepbrother. That is a fact that I am not happy about. I figure I will treat him like a guest in a B&B. Be pleasant...but thats about it. I have to remember that his jealousy is his problem...not mine. I have to remember to be strong. I have to remember not to let him hurt me.

Uhg. WHy did I get the screwed up family??

Ah well...in too good a mood to talk about it.

But just know I am super spiffy!

Back to work now!!!

ta-ta!

-Perfectbone

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