<< Lots of rambling...I'm drugged...telling you about what got me here >>
2004-01-08, 7:54 a.m.

I feel so drugged up. I feel so crazy, now when I am supposed to be getting better.

Last night I went to Borders w/ claire, and the many words gave me a headach. So many words and I just could not decipher all of them. First I would have to read the word then focus on recalling the definition, then put it together with the surrounding words.

I tried to tell brian last night, tried to tell him how crazy I feel. And I told him that I did not expect him to understand becuase I already know his stance. I know he wants me on medication. as I broke down, scared that I wasn't quite me any more, with tears in his eyes he completely went off on me. "was that you in there on the couch? That girl that laid on the couch for 3 months solid, staring at the celing every evening? IS that what you want to be?" And I tried to tell him that of course I didn't want that...I want the person I was before that. Before the effexor went mad.

I was always ok without medication till one point. Let me tell you about that point. I'm fucking drugged up enough right now that I don't think it will hurt to tel you.

Quick, somone cal Jerry Springer!

When I met brian I was in great mental shape. I had never felt better about myself, despite the fact that I was quite a big big girl. Well in May, 2 months after we got together His ex turns up pregnant saying the baby was his. Well of course all this supposedly happend before we got toghether. But still the thought of another woman having his kid messed me up. In september I found out that he had slept with her back in may when he found out. Well anyhow...it never was the sex that bothered me. It's emotional reltionships that bother me. It's him going to the movies and dinner that bothered me. SO meanwhile, I was starving myself to death...no one really notice 70lbs of me dissapear.

ANyhow, December came, kid was born....she never wanted him to see the kid....they find out that kid wasn't his. Well fucking duh.

Meanwhile....that year that brian and I got together, my roomate brian got together w/a woman named Sherry. She seemd ok. I agreed to have her move in August of 2001, (before the baby was born).

In april she had to have brain surgury so I helped to gather community support to help her heal after she got out. Then she started to make my life fucking miserable. I can't bear to go into it...I just can't. But, I started spending all my time away from home. There were problems with us both taking showers in the morning, so I would go to the gym in the morning, work out, shower, go to work, go to the gym, work out, go out with a friend, then sneak back in hoping she had gone to bed.

I was losing my mind. Completely. I just could not keep up my frantic pace. Then one day I come home from a class, and I planned to leave and hang out with a friend. Suddenly my transmission was dead. My car....my only way out....was dead.

My car was old...not worth a new transmission. So I sat there...and laughed. then cried. Then decided I had to die. So I called my friend to come save my life and she did. In fact she loaned me her car for several days. Due to the fact that I wanted to die over my car breaking down I thought it was time to do something about my state and I went on antidepressants.

Just about 5 days after my car broke down, maybe less....brian asks me to move out by the end of the month. Seems he can't handle the whole issue of his girlfriend hating me. He asked on the 17th of October. He asked by email....while I was at work.

So suddenly i didn't have a car and I didn't have a home. I had to take a couple of days off work.

Somehow I got a home, a car, and managed to be out before the 31st of october go me.

But here I am...complete space cadet. I don't feel like me...so not me. Now I want to do something crazy, like run away to another city to get away from everyone that thinks I should be on medication. I was messed up back then...my living situation was shit. I had been through a lot with brian. And then this year, the antidepressant started to take it's toll.

I am about two steps from stopping all this medication shit...I can barely drive, I can't read, I can't focus.

Who the hell am I anymore

<< welcome >>


current | archives | profile | links | rings
email | Something to Say?
| notes | host | image | design