last night I had a really bad bad migrane...slept from 7ish pm to 5:30 am.

I have found that I am not even coming close to being able to use that food journal. Damn it. I want to do it. I do. But even when I do...i have a tough time being honest. SO therefore I avoid doing it at all becuase I can't handle what I see. If I screw up I can't just MOVE ON the way I want to. No, that cookie is staring at me Or the vegan brownie. DAMN IT. WHY??? So I have to think about this a bit more before considering this an option.

I wish that I could cut off all the bad parts the way you might cut the fat off a steak. And yet lately I have been trying to think better thoughts...like exploring why it is so "bad" to be fat. For example...I don't see it as "bad" for others to be fat. In fact...if I could see myself as another person, I wouldn't even think about size. However...for me it is bad. I have explored different thoughts...could it be becuase I worry no one will like/love me? Could it be becuase People will think I am gross and diryt? A sign of lack of will and control?

People treat me differntly now that I am no longer huge. First I noticed when fat girls started treating me differently....I was no longer one of them, no longer trusted, no longer part of their club. The fat girls club. IT does exist. No one thinks about it, no one talks about it. But that is why fat girls like to stick together....safety in numbers. As far as I can tell...thin and or average girls don't have a club.

Damn it....why can't you buy self esteem the same way you buy a friggin nose?

You know...I should just go now..I am being hateful and bitter and not too nice to myself right now. I need to get myself out of this cesspool.

On to some good music and hard work.

yeah

perfectbone

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