My head hurts pretty bad today. Maybe it is just allergies.

I had a great wknd with my honey. Friday we had to go to bed early, then saturday he had to work for a few hours so I took him in and wandered around that little german town for a while. It was pretty cool. Then we came home for a little nap. We also watched My big Fat Greek Wedding. That movie is such a riot!

On sunday we went in for massages and that was nice. But I still hurt pretty bad. One day they will fix me so that the pain will stop. I think that is why I have a headache today.

We also went to sell some huge bags of clothes that my mum gave me. about 120lbs or so of clothing. I also picked up an oldschool samsonite suitcase for this coming wknd. its pretty snazzy. It still has a Korea Air sticker on it....I wouldn't let him take it off. No way man...that suitcase has been places! Maybe the person that once owned that suitcase went to Korea in hopes of staking out a plan for the overthrow of Kim Jong Il. Well maybe not...but who knows!?!?! Well anyhow, I made enough to pay for the suitcase, get about 7.50 in store credit, and take home a check for 10.50 or so :) I would say thats cool! If you have a Savers thrift department store in your town, you should go. :) Goodwill is a selfish bastard of a company an I won't even step foot in there.

I am going to be working my rump off this week. I have to finish a lot of ebay stuff this week, plus I have to do a lot of real work too. I need to have much of this stuff done in time becuase I am going to be gone all of next week or so. I am going to go visit my fam in IN.

Man...my head hurts so much that I am nauseated. But then again I have been binging. Gawd I feel awful. I feel so ashamed. I but some fudge covered creme wafers last night. I ate half the pack. THen this morning I ate 2 bowls of cereal, 1 bagle, & 1/4 of the cookies. Then on my way to the post office I ate the rest of the cookies. I am very ashamed of this. I find that when I cannot bear to face what I have eaten I won't put anything in my fitday diary. I can't even face that site today. :(

Sometimes I feel so petty. To be worried about being fat in this world. There are so many other things...homelessness, Austins 6% unemployment rate, war, drugs, the list goes on and on and on. But i am worried about all of it. But my biggest fault is my fat. I think I am depressed today. It has been a long time since I have had one of these days. I am on anti-depressants, effexor to be exact. I have dealt with depression for most of my life that I can tell. At least since 9 or 10. But I have had other weird problems...like I was the only 7 year old that ever had a suicide plan in case of war IN the united states. I couldn't face the bombing and hell. So I had a plan at the tender age of 7 that I would die. My first real suicide attempt was in 5th grade. Life has been a roller coaster as a manic-depressive. I have always led that perfect outer life. No one really ever knew what was going on with me, not most of the time. I have always felt like I would let others down. Esp in my adult life. There have been points in my life when I was almost idolized. I was looked upon as the picture of utter perfection by my peers...how could I show the truth? But last Oct, I sought help and got meds. Since then, this is my first really crappy day. I think I am going to just go home and go to bed. I need to hide.

And no, I don't deserve to have dinner. But gosh I bought so much food over the weekend. Gawd sometimes I see the light sometimes I don't. Over the wknd at one point I took a good look at myself and thought...gee you are so pretty just the way you are. I thought to myself...that I would not be as pretty if I were thinner...that part of my beauty was here now in the low 130s.

I get so confused sometimes. I think we all do.

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