1st today

I might not get to write much today, we have a managers meeting and I might have to go to it. I'm not a manager...I'm a groveling (though well paid) assistant. Sometimes they like me to sit there smile at the table. I am a good influence.

Anyhow. Lets get some updates on a few issues here.

My bipolar issues: I don't have therapy this week. She is on vacation. No shrink appointment either. I'm doing great! Currently I am on 225 effexor (antidepressant), 25 lamictal soon to be 50 then 100gm (mood stabilizer), 1mg synthroid (thyroid medicine), 36 of Concerta (that's Ritalin), and I take 10mg of Ambien at night. Yeah, seems like a lot, and to my pocket it IS! But I feel great. Better than I have a in a long time. I have had just over a week that has been really good. Minimal depression, minimal SI, minimal suicidal feelings. WHOOO!

Eating issues- Well those have been better lately I think. I sometimes think I am better and turn out to be fooling myself. Ok. Maybe I am fooling myself. But it has been worse. No purging at all. Been months. However I have been binging a bit. I noticed a LOT of wrappers in my car. But somedays I seem to be doing it, just to do it. I'm binging on a smaller amount of junk food too. But I'm not eating regular foods with it.

For example, yesterday was

-breakfast: oatmeal and canteloupe

-lunch: Celery, rice cake, diet RC

-dinner: 3 pieces of toast w/ soy butter

(but there was a binge during the day of some cakey things.

Anyhow...at least I am eating food and not puking it. Right?

B? Well, looks like we won't be together too much longer. We have had some wonderful times, but sometimes it just isn't IT. I know that I could be so much more If I left him. I could do so much more with my life. I'm only 24. I need to get out there and do something with my life before I give into the whole Mini-Van way of life. I have goals and they won't be realized with him around. And for his sake...he won't realize his with me. Do I love him? yes I do. But I know that sometimes you can love people that aren't the best for you.

Jeff? Can I be in love with more than one person at a time? It makes my head spin. yes I am. They are very different from one another and I love them in different ways. With b its that old "familiar" type of love. With Jeff it's something else. It's got respect and kindness and attraction and so many things that I can't put into words. He cares how I feel, cares what I do. I think that love has a lot to do with how you feel about yourself when you are with that person. Ask yourself if your lover makes you feel like a better person? Do you feel stupid with that person? Inadiquate? Or do they make you feel like a million bucks?

That's jeff....gawd...when he talks to me I feel beautiful and amazing. When i am with him, his eyes light up and he kind of glows...it makes me feel good to have that effect on someone.

Enough of my mush.

I though all of you should know that I am wearing blue undies with teddy bears on them. Just in case you were wondering.

-Perfectbone

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