I have an hour before I get out of here. I swear I have only done about 10 min or real work today. This is worse than the last place. Gawd. And to top it off...there is work to be done. I have tons or these reports that I cannot make heads or tales of. Most of my work consists of supervisors bringing me papers to take to our boss and get her to sign them. So I take papers, put them into a big plastic envelope. Then walk over to her office. See if she is off the phone. Hand them to her.

Somtimes I arrange for an interpreter, or arrange for a rental car. And other days like yesterday I play ambassador to the new folk and do the New Employee Orientation.

The rest of the time I mope and whatnot.

Today:

1 bowl of cheerios (with water)

1 veg cheese sandwich

1 pot of coffee

2 ephedrine

1 vending machine size pack of low salt penuts

3 mints

man thats a lot of food and I haven't even had dinner yet. it always seems like too much. The sandwich and cheerios were both parts of breakfast. I ate the peanuts to attempt to wake my body up this morning.

Today is thursday...wonder if I will have the energy to paint tonight? Or will this be yet evening for falling asleep on the couch while he sits at the computer. Damn I hate that computer. before the computer moved over here...we used to hang out together and read. He was reading like mad before the computer. It all came to a crashing halt once he brought that whore into our house. ANd I call it a whore becuase she takes all his money and doesn't put out nearly enough!

45 more stinking minutes.

Bah!

Oh I was reading some funny stuff on one of the forums today...about ed nos. I can so relate to some of them...such as, you know your ed nos when you weight stays the same becuase all the binging, purging, & starving evens out. Or you binge, then start purging, get tired of it and go lay down. OR! You have been ana, mia, and coe all in the same week.

I was reading through some profiles today of the people that list me as a fav diary. First of all I find it strange that 48 people list me as a fav. Wow..that many? And the things they say about me are interesting. I know that there are many out there that relate to me...as I relate to so many out there.

We are all similar in our disorder. We have common threads. It's never easy being this way...but I don't know how else to live. I jsut don't. I can't even imagine a day when I wake up. Eat a healthy good breakfast happily. Go about my day...and have a nice lunch, then have dinner. And not think the whole day about food or lack of food or avoiding food. Or about how much food I have or have not eaten. Not think about my weight or my fat. Not worry so much.

Memory at age 11 or 12: I opened a package of Raman noodles. I broke the noodle brick into 4. I put each into a baggie and measured out the powder into each baggie. I now had 4 days worth of food.

Memory, same age: Went to store with my best bud michael. We each bought a half gallon of icecream. We ate them in one sitting.

Speaking of michael, he cared about his weight as much as I did. We were always obsessing. He was my best friend and I had a hopeless crush on him as a child. Looking back...it was so obvious how gay he was. SO obvious!

Ah. Trip down memory lane huh?

Enough fornow.

Ah well.

-PB

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