What a world we live in. What a Fucked up world.

-Beautiful women think that they are fat, ugly, unloved, and therefore unwanted.

-We spend our teen years learning to march to the beat of our own drum and we learn who we are and follow our own lead. Later, Men fight wars with people in other countries becuase ONE man tells them that they should hate.

-People will pay a thousand dollars for an AKC dog, YET hundreds to thousands of animals die every day becuase people are too lazy and too stupid to spay and neuter their pets.

-People feel like complete failures because they eat. But yet people in Korea starve becuase their leader uses food to control his masses and bend them to his will.

So that is our world. I try not to think about the big stuff as it is so hard to get through my own battles. Such as having enough money every month, spending enough time with my cat and ferrets, and dealing with my ed.

Why do I feel so bad when I eat or dont eat? I waver all day long. Last night I planned to fast all day today. But this morning I told myself that it is a crock of crap and I ate a banana. Then I ate some peanut butter. I felt fine :) Then I got to work and thought...gee....all isn't lost I will take some diet pills and i can fast the rest of the day. Lunch gets half way over and I tell myself to stop being silly. I should have some popcorn. eat a little something. Then I have the popcorn and feel greasy and guilty...not over the fat and cal...but over the fact that I gave into eating. SO I take 2 more diet pills and grab a dt coke.

Now I am so hight on diet pills now that I don't care if I ever eat again. I know that dying a skeleton is not pretty. I know that an ed does damage to your body. I know that I have damage. I still battle every day.

BUT which is the winning side? Who wins? I just want to be me! Only thinner.

See...I want to be thinner...but yet I don't want anyone to notice. Go figure. I cannot bear for anyone to comment on my weight either way. When I went home for thanksgiving I was standing in my pjs and my step dad said "so when are you going to put some weight on that body?" I told him that I was wearing Brians clothes (brian is a 240lb man) and that I had plenty of weight and I was just fine. Yet mom praises me because she loves the fact that I can fit into so many clothes and tells me how much she envies me.

Brian tells me I am fine...claire wishes she were thinner but yet shoves another Godiva chocolate into her mouth.

I just won't be able to bear it this wknd if Momma C says anything about my weight. I won't be able to stand it if dad or kathy say anything when I visit.

If they say I look better becuase I put on a few lbs I will DIE! If they say that I look to thin will feel so singled out and worried about. Just let me be damn it.

When I was truly fat no one talked much about it. They never told me to lose it. They didn't say much of anything. But when you lose it...everyone puts their nose in.

I am thrown about...in turmoil. To eat? Not to eat? What to eat? When to eat? Why eat? where to eat?

I sometimes feel like I don't deserve to eat. You know...the shrinkable part of my budget is food. When I used to smoke I used my food budget and spent like $50 a month on food. it was all for my bf too. But I spent $130 a month on cloves. Now I feel like I shouldn't spend $ on food. If I eat I am bad bad bad.

I just shouldn't eat. Why? It's as if I will lose some unknown battle. As if I am doing something so wrong. I will be unclean or something. There isn't a real reason why. If there was a reason, there would be a fix wouldn't there.

Until then, I sit here high on ephedra filled diet pills. Speeding along. More energy than I could ever use at a desk job. I wonder if I will eat dinner. I keep thinking about the snowpeas in the fridge destined to go bad in a day or two. The Coasta Rican black bean tamales made especialy for me that sit in the fridge too.

If I eat them...what will happen?

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