Quick update

My brakes gave me problems so I had to spend the morn in the auto repair place. Meaning I lost valuable time at work. Still crazy.

There won't be an update tomorrow, I have a conference to go to. Bah. But maybe I will enjoy it? If nothing else I will enjoy the people.

I'm feeling emotionaly kinda shitty and drained though. I wrote jeff an email yesterday telling him that I am in love with b and so on and so forth. I don't know...its just this whole thing has me so f*cked up that I cant' think straight. And honestly it isn't an if/then situation at all now. in reality I have to choose between which isn't cool at all either. No one likes to do that.

So anyhow he wrote me asking me to think about it some more....which i really should do. I agreed to do that...it needs to be rethought. I have to do the right thing.

But why did I think I should choose brian? I have a lot of reasons that I love him. When I have been sick (with the fibro) he picks up all the pieces. He ends up taking on all the responsibility. He does so much for me all the time that I get to be the flighty one. I'm good at being responsible, but I hate doing it. And I sit here and think of all these little things, all these reasons that I love brian....and I think to myself...but why NOT jeff? i think to myself...but jeff is this way, jeff does this, jeff would do that.

Perhaps the only thing that keeps me leaning in one direction is knowing b so well, lots of time and energy.

I have a lot of work today...a lot fo thinking too.

Damn it...I am so damn avoident of some feelings...I hate that about myself.

-pb

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