I would really like to have big box of maple cookies.. And some vanilla soy icecream. I would like to eat all of it. Oddly its midday and I want to binge so badly. But how embarrasing would that be. on top of everything else I would feel fat, uncomfortable, and ashamed.

Anyhow. We got up a little late this morn. Brian didn't set the alarm, but my body clock, not to mention my cat, always knows what time it is. Zen always wakes me up if he thinks I am running late. Such a good kitty.

Today is better than yesterday. Still having my ups and downs. wanting masses of sugar and fried food.

Today has been 1 bowl of multi grain flakes, an apple, 1/2 a peach, a small orange and 2 carrots. I think we will have salad and something or other fat free for dinner. Maybe mashed potatos or some quinoa. quinoa sounds good.

Last night i talked to brian and I am having him call the counseling place for me. I have known I wanted to do it for a while. You know...give it yet another go. But I have been too ashamed lately to do so. I couldn't. I still don't know how i am going to get in there & talk. Thats why I asked him to go with me for the first visit. I know he won't like it too much, but if he isn't there to prod me out of the shell to tell her everything, I just won't do it.

I am a perfectionist. I minimize all of my faults and deny that anything is wrong. Honestly, I am not sure I am really "sick" enough to warrent counseling. I keep telling myself that this isn't anything I can't handle. But last night I was in a puddle on the floor feeling so guilty. Why? Becuase after dinner (veg burger & salad) I had a soy cheese sandwich & 3 cookies. I was a mess. My stomach was so full. It was a bad sight.

Sometimes I am just so scared to "be."

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