Despite all the care I took to look nice today, I am not doing too swell. I am having one of those "better off dead than fat" days.

It started yesterday. I was feeling down on myself to begin with and I had just gotten out of the shower. I was wearing my bra and undies. B told me to go get some clothes on. I asked him "why?" and he said that I don't need to be walking around half dressed. The next part was pretty much all my fault though...I said "Why? Does my body offend you?" Well it went on for a while but it ended in him telling me how he likes girls with meat, and how "Chubby girls are cute."

Now here is the thing. There are rules...we have spoken about this. There are certain things that I am NOT well enough to hear. He KNOWs this. We have been over this. Somethings that may seem normal, hurt me.

Such as:

-Telling me that chubby girls are cute. You may think I am cute, but if I accept that, I have to accept that I am chubby. Chubby to me = BAD.

-Don't ever ever mention to me how great this ex girlfriend or that ex girlfriend looked in a bikini. I will never be able to wear one, and I feel pretty damn inadiquate about it.

-Don't avoid touching parts of me that I don't like. it only makes me think you are avoiding them as well.

-When I decline the offer of a treat, please do not respond with "you can always puke it up later." The reason should be obvious.

-And most of all DO tell me I look nice if you think so. Would it kill you to oggle me every now and then? Don't you ever see me naked and think "damn I want her" and want to run over and grab me?

*sigh* Whatever.

It's gloomy...I have work to do, I shall try to take my mind off my weight. I am sure you guys don't like hearing about it. But hell...that's the story of my life. I put it all here so that people in my day to day life don't have to hear it all the time.

ciao

pb

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