Today isn't particularly good yet.

I went out with claire last night! Whoo hoo. What a feat! We went down to the riverwalk to look at the lights and to go to starsucks. I really thought I might break my thumbs! Well I get really panicked lately when I go to places with a lot of stimulation. For some reason i am not able to really filter it all down and handle it well. Kind of like the way babies get fussy when they are passed around too much, awake too long, or in a noisy crowded shopping mall. Quite often I cross my arms and clench my biceps. but, honestly, I look so freakish when I do that. So I clench my thumbs in my fists and keep telling myself to focus. I got throug it just fine, infact she didn't even realize that I was having any problem at all. :-)

We made it to starcrooks down there and it just so happend that they were giving away free tall holiday lates! WHoo hoo. I like free. So I got a soy gingerbread late. We sat and enjoyed them on the quiet balcony. There were girlscouts on the river boats floating by...caroloing. It was nice. We talked alot about her depression and fears and mine. She has fears of being attacked. She freaks if people don't lock the doors becuase someone could come in and rape and kill her. even as we went into the parking garage, she leans over to make sure that there isn't anyone hiding under her car! I think it's crazy but to her it's all very real.

I went ahead and admitted that I had broken down and cut my hip the other night. I am really ashamed of that. Ashamed I was so weak. :-(

Well anyhow, I drove to work this morn..not feelign well. I just..I *sigh* I'm just low. I hate the visions in my head. I hate them. I get so frustrated waiting for help. I am still very upset that I have to wait so long. I worry too. I worry about all those around me...my effect on them. I know i am getting worse all the time and THEY are the ones that have to handle it. I hate that. They shouldn't have to be so stressed out all the time.

I struggle with being able to accept that I should see a doctor. Not becuase I think that I am not sick...but becuase I often feel that I am not sick enough. Worry that I am wasting their time...becuase others are so much worse off than me. I don't scream at people..have angry outbursts...I don't break things...or run away to other cities and forget how I got there. I don't hear voices...or think that the television or radio can control me. I don't think that I am under constant survailance (although I don't trust the government....but that has absolutly nothing to do with my mental state!!!!) or think that I am anyone more special or less special than anyone else. I don't wash my hands repeatedly...lock doors compulsivly...or even worry about the boogy man.

So what do I do? I often feel crushed by my pain. A pain that just radiates from within...starting in my solar plexis...spreding through me, crushing me as if it were granite. I want to hide in places all of the time. Under beds...in closets, under the desk,under the couch. Although I rarely ever do. I must admit that I have gotten into the closet a time or two. I get nervous when too much is going on at once. I sleep too much, yet wake too often. I never want to do anything that I used to love. I have little to no contact with people that I would consider friends. In fact...it is a terrible time to even know me. I don't call any of my "friends" anymore. I often wonder if they have given up...since I never return calls or even call them in the first place. A lot of them understand though. A lot of them know that I go through times like this....when I just can't keep up a relationship with anyone. I drift in and out.

I haven't even covered all my problems yet I feel like I don't have enough problems to warrent needing help sometimes.

If I could see a doctor today I would. I worry that when I get to see the doc on the 23rd (if nothing else comes along) that it will take so long for a new medicine to kick in, or a higher dose of the current stuff to take effect that I will continue to get worse and worse. *sigh*

Don't worry though, I don't fear that I will die or anything. I know I won't. I want to live...otherwise I wouldn't be trying to get help. However...I do worry about my job and the few relationship I have. I worry about having my mother or sister see me like this. I need to keep what I have. THe sicker I get the harder it is to keep up the facade.

pb

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